Beach Break

Ahh, just what we needed after some bad news. 

I had taken Kate down to the beach earlier this summer on trips with my mom and sister. Kate LOVES the pool and can spend hours there.

But she wasn't too sure about the sand. On her first trip this year she ran, no fear, toward the water. And a little wave came and knocked her down. That was it, she did not like the beach after that, so on our next trip I had to sit with her and show her the toys before she was comfortable. Even then she didn't last long.

So after receiving the news that we would not be having a baby, Adam and I took Kate to the beach for a long weekend. We spent more time at the pool, and just relaxed. 

We tried the ocean again, early morning so it wasn't crowded or too hot. She was actually having fun scooping the sand and playing in the water we poured out of buckets. The only snag came when I wanted to show her a little sand crab. I let it go back by the water, and Kate tried to chase it, getting knocked over and all wet. Hmm, I'm sensing a theme here....

That was our only trip to the sand/ocean, but we spent a lot of time in the pool and even went down to the boardwalk one night. It was a great way to get away.

I love the beach and looked forward to going every summer when I was growing up. I hope Kate will love it as much as I do.

Sleep

After Adam was so kind as to offer to get up with Kate this weekend, so I could actually sleep in for the first time in over a year, I woke up this morning to Grover- the somewhat forgotten cat/object of Kate's affection- wanting to be fed just before 6. I brushed him off as best I could, then gave in. I didn't want to wake Kate, and luckily for me she is still in her bed. I can hear her, she woke up a little before 7, but I'm in no rush to get her.

I have enjoyed sipping my coffee, checking Facebook and the latest news on my iPad. I remember the luxury of having this time EVERY morning before Kate was born. But I have become a much lighter sleeper now and I hear every little noise Kate makes in her room, even with both doors closed and the box fan on. I was into the habit of getting up to get her as soon as she made a little noise. The only time she spit up as an infant was when I overfed her at night-I heard a noise and automatically got up and fed her. If I had listened and waited, which I eventually learned to do, she would have put herself back to sleep. 

So now, as much as I want to hug her and see that smile, I am waiting until she lets me know I need to come get her. Because, really, I value sleep. And once she is up, my quiet relaxing time is gone. To the park and grocery store we will go. We will read and build (or more likely destroy) blocks. There will be diapers to change and messes to clean up.

I think she has grown bored of the toys in her crib now. I must got and get her banana ("nana") ready.

Kate's Quilt

It's done!

I notice all the imperfections, but Kate doesn't. She doesn't care.

I have strips of her monthly fabric (3" wide x 3", 6", or 9" long) in a random arrangement. For the back, I used the leftover large pieces (which I would have had MUCH more of if I hadn't cut WAY too many strips) and just stitched them together. You can sort of see it here:

I also used some of the leftovers to make a pillow case for one of the many throw pillows we had.

Right now, the quilt is on the toddler bed that my sister lovingly passed down to us (she also gave us the crib).

More on the bed and sleeping plans later. For now Kate enjoys laying/jumping/sitting/reading/walking on the quilt. Hopefully one day she will snuggle up with it as her bed quilt.. then a warm throw ... and maybe even a lap blanket when she's older.

It was a long process to figure out how to make this quilt, and I thank my mom so much for helping me. The next time I make one (hopefully for Kate's future little sibling) it should be much easier.

Loss

One of the main reasons I wanted to start blogging again was a life-changing event. I needed to write to figure out my feelings and work though some of the confusing things going though my mind.

This is an incredibly long post, with maybe a little too much information, but I needed to get it all out.

There are only 5 people who know. Me, Adam, my friend Liz, and my parents (who we just told yesterday).

Adam and I were trying  not preventing getting pregnant for a couple months. The plan was to get pregnant in July again for the prefect due-date (school year wise). It took 3 months to get pregnant with Kate, so we just allowed the same amount of time this time around. After only 2 months this happened:

On July 2nd, I wrote this:

I thought this is what I wanted. I missed being pregnant. Having kids 2 years apart seemed great.

Then I thought, maybe it's too soon.

Then I went to the beach with my mom, sister and her two kids. And I thought- no way am I ready for another.

Then I took a test.

I don't know how I feel. It is so different than last time.

I was so happy last time.

I need to trust in God's timing, that everything will work out, and that we will have a new baby to bring us so much more happiness.

It was a wave of emotions. I wanted to be so happy, but knew our life- the easy nature of Kate, our routine, going to the store- was all going to change. Over the next week I began to get used to the idea of having another baby. I figured out the due date (March 7) and maternity leave (if I delivered late I could take the end of the year off, if I delivered on time or early I would have to go back to work), and started thinking of how to rearrange Kate's room and the guestroom to make space for a new baby.

I had my confirmation appointment at the doctor's the Monday after Crabfest, so we didn't tell our parents or any of the many friends who asked about when we would have the next baby. It was so hard to keep in.

So I had my appointment, everything seemed fine, and I scheduled the dating sonogram for Friday.

I had been feeling a tightness, like I pulled a muscle, in my pelvic area for a week. Adam told me I had the same thing when I was pregnant with Kate, but I didn't remember it so early on. I didn't think anything of it until Tuesday night. I went to the bathroom and noticed a little pink discharge. Nothing to worry about, spotting is normal, right? 
Then a few hours pass and the light pink is now red. OK... it's ok... spotting is normal... some people have 'periods' throughout their pregnancy... 
Then Kate is put to bed and I go to the bathroom and the red is now dark red, and really heavy. Heavier than a normal period.
I start bawling and hurry downstairs and just ask Adam to hold me. He does his best to try to calm me down, and tell me it's ok/ normal/ it'll be fine.

I call the doctor's office in the morning, explain everything, and I get an appointment first thing. This is why I am glad Liz knew. She found out early on when I was pregnant with Kate, so I confided in her again over lunch before telling anyone else. I called her to watch Kate while I went to the Dr. I can't imagine having to go in with Kate. Sitting in the paper gown, having an internal exam, hearing the word miscarriage in the office, getting blood drawn. It was also good to talk to someone about it, so I didn't have to keep it in. And I had already gotten most of my crying out Tuesday night, knowing it was probably over.

I called Adam after the exam. He later admitted he almost cried- it finally hit him. He agreed we needed to get away and put in for leave so we could go to the beach that weekend. It was a nice break. We had a long talk on the ride out about our feelings and plans for trying again, which probably won't be any time soon.

So it's over. In a way I am relieved, it just wasn't the right time I guess. But a huge part of me is still incredibly sad. I think I'm over it but I know I will still cry when I think about it, when I have to get my blood drawn yet again, and when I see my friends and coworkers announce their pregnancies this year.

I hope to be able to move on  feeling grateful for the child I have, and not in a depression over the one I have lost.  I pray to be able to have another baby when the time is right, when God blesses us again, without having another miscarriage. I know it could have been worse, so much worse, and I feel incredibly sorry for every mother who has had to experience this.

I hope that after I have written this all out, I won't be an emotional wreck whenever I do tell someone in person.

Take 3

It has been a month and a half since I said I was done. Just like before, I missed writing down what was going on in our lives and what Kate was up to. She's gown so much in just a month and is able to do and say so much more. Our family has had some big events happen.

I feel like if I don't write it down I will forget all these precious moments. I have about 6 half-post drafts that  I want to finish and share. I have definitely avoided my blogger account, only using the iPad app (which is very limited) to draft the posts. I have also limited my blog reading to my favorite reads only. If I can just avoid my stats page I think I'll be good to continue blogging.

A preview of what's to come: