Negative

The good kind, sorta. My blood work has finally come back negative for hCG, meaning the miscarriage is over. And my blood draws are over for now, too.

I had my blood drawn at my confirmation appointment, and again two days later during my emergency visit. Apparently my levels were low to begin with, I had what marked 4 weeks when I should have been 6 weeks along.  So I had to wait two weeks to get my blood tested again, as the doctors wanted to monitor the hCG levels until they were considered a negative pregnancy test.

I can't believe it has only been two weeks. It feels like months that I have been carrying around this sadness. I have been trying to remind myself that we are lucky with the child we have, and we will eventually have another one.

This loss has made me realize that I do want a baby now. I don't care if the timing is not perfect or if it will be difficult having them close in age.  Adam didn't quite get it, and didn't know what changed my mind. So I asked him: When did my pregnancy with Kate feel real to you? When did you feel like we were having a baby and not that I was just pregnant?

I expected him to say the 19 week sonogram when the 'fetus' actually looks like a 'baby'.

Or maybe 32 weeks 3D sonogram where we saw her face.

Nope. It apparently didn't feel real until 41 weeks when I went in for an emergency c-section and he was told he couldn't go in.

For him, it wasn't real until there was actually going to be a baby.

For me, it was real when I found out I was pregnant.

Yup, look at that smile, at 5 weeks it was a baby to me.

Same this time around. positive pregnancy test=baby. I explained this to Adam, and I think he finally understood why I was so upset. I wasn't just having my period, I was losing a baby. And losing a baby made me realize how badly I did want one.

So as we wait for my hormones to finally even out, we will try again. If it doesn't happen this time around we will wait until next summer. If it does I will be the happiest girl in the world.